


make me feel like i am human

by apunks



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Serial Killers, CEO!Levi, F/M, I'll add more tags later, don't read if you get triggered by abuse, implied erwin smith/mikasa ackerman, is it implied?? idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2014-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-06 22:35:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1874970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apunks/pseuds/apunks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi likes the way Mikasa's hands hold his through the dark, but he's scared she might let go halfway through. </p><p>OR,</p><p>Levi is a serial killer, and he needs love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	make me feel like i am human

**Author's Note:**

  * For [arabellaa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arabellaa/gifts).



> alright, so this is what i've been working on and i really hope you guys like it. it's a serial killer au, so if you're not into that stuff, i greatly advice you to stop reading. if you can handle it, well, enjoy.
> 
> title comes from "a little death" by the neighbourhood.
> 
> (also, this was published early, so it's my gift for jessie. love you!)
> 
> also, here's a [playlist](http://8tracks.com/goodnights/keep-him-under-control-1) to listen to when you're reading this story.

Levi fidgets in his seat. His apple martini's ice cubes are melting and his Adam's apple keeps bobbing up and down and it won't damn stop. It's been a while since he's felt his heart beat like this. It's so fast, so raw, so real. Seeing her on TV is like a shot through the heart, he remembers who he is, or at least who he was before. She makes him feel so alive. The dead man inside him finally rose and breathed for the first time in maybe a decade.

**  
**

The TV's high definition is pure quality. Levi can see the curves of her upper body, that back dimple she keeps hidden underneath layers of clothing, and the smile that can feed hope-starved hundreds. She is shining, like a shooting star that fell from the sky. It’s like she belongs on the television.

**  
**

Levi can't say the same for himself. If anything, he wants to stay away from the media's attention. Any glimpse of his life would make the nation horrified, and he would be thrown in jail immediately. He is lucky he wasn't as popular as someone like her.

**  
**

It’s weird, because he can’t see anything else. All of the words on the screen seem to blur as his vision centers on her. She’s talking, but he can’t seem to figure out what she’s saying. Her mouth is moving, but he doesn’t hear. The screen changes from her to numbers. It looks like they’re changing topics. Something about Krista’s death comes up, and the anchor says, “If you have any tips on this investigation, please call this number.” Levi would call, but he’s not that crazy. And he’s not dumb.

**  
**

He isn't proud of himself. No one would be. But it's God's work that he has to do; it's immensely important that Levi went through with his job. Being the CEO of a software company wasn't satisfying enough. Sometimes, you have to test the limits, and Levi has done just that.

**  
**

He's done some bad things, but he's sure others have done worse. These bad things though, they're sure to put him on the waiting list to hell. He's sure he's already on it. Satan is waiting for him in the depths of his hellish flames, and Levi is waiting to burn.

**  
**

His head aches from the alcohol content in the appletini. He's rubbed his head enough to make it feel numb. But, his head isn't the only thing numb. Levi feels as if his whole body is numb. Bodies tend to get numb as the number of sins add up.

**  
**

The news changes topics again. It goes from Krista’s murder to the squad Chief Pixis set up. They talk about it for a little while, but Levi doesn’t listen. He can hear the pounding of his heart, and it’s so, so loud. He wants it to stop. He wants all of it to stop.

**  
**

Satan is calling Levi, yes, but not yet. It's not his time yet. For now, he'll sip his apple martini slowly, and once he's finished it, he'll take a shot of vodka. Even a shot of the strongest drink in his bar will suffice. He wants to forget her, to stop remembering her, to stop her existence. She was supposed to end up like Petra and Annie and Krista. She's supposed to be in her grave. She's supposed to be dead.

**  
**

But Levi doesn't have the heart to do it. He can't. His heart trembles far too much whenever he comes into contact with her, and the strong perfume she wears has made its way into his brain and etched itself into his memory. He knows the exact color of her red lipstick; Blood Cherry. How ironic, how rich. He knows her too well.

**  
**

That's why he can't kill her. He loves her too much to carry on.

**  
**

***

**  
**

He can't keep her out of his head. He thinks of her at the supermarket, the office, the kitchen. Even in the bath, he thinks of her. It is becoming obsessive.

**  
**

The pool around him is foggy, soapy, milky. It smells like her, a scent he knows all too well. The best way Levi can describe her scent is lavender, with a pinch of vanilla. She smells so feminine, like his mother. She feels like a light summer breeze that flows through the house when the fan won’t turn on, like his mom’s kisses on his cheek (light and soft and oh, so precious), like a good night’s sleep or an undisturbed nap or the peace that he believes he deserves. When he hears her voice, it’s like he’s hearing his mother’s laughter or maybe even golden harps. It’s weird, because at this point, she’s become home.

**  
**

Of course, she's everywhere. She's been everywhere since day one, and the idea of her just won't escape his mind. She's stuck there, like a car that's fallen into a pothole, and the only tow truck in the area is miles away. But, as much as Levi wants to forget her, he wants to keep her tucked into his mind too.

**  
**

Levi craves her. Every inch of her he wants to kiss, he wants to mark her as his own, and for that reason, he is keeping her alive. God sent him to this earth to destroy, to rip apart, to create havoc. Levi believes God sent Mikasa to love and care for someone as psychotic as him. She sends his mind into a state of tranquility, something far away from his dark, obsessive thoughts.

**  
**

He feels the need to expand, to give her most of him (or, at least what is left of him.) He wants to be good enough for her, because she’s the only one that _understands_.

**  
**

Such a monster, he thinks. He is such a monster. He waves his hands around the milky water, pushing and pulling back, like waves. The water calms him down when Mikasa wasn't there to quiet him. She's the only normal part of his life, the only woman that truly stayed. Every other woman has strayed away or was killed off.

**  
**

He feels like they're a perfect match. She needs security, and Levi can protect. He knows how to handle knives and guns and drugs. It's part of his job, how he gets by. Of course, Levi doesn't do it for the money. It's fun, God's calling for him. With all this knowledge, Levi can defend her, help her, protect her.

**  
**

For him, he needs calm. She is _his_ calm. A psycho needs a steady lover to keep him under control. The last thing Levi wants is to hurt her too. That’s why he needs calm, he needs solemnity; he needs Mikasa. She’s the only one who’s managed to keep the little sanity he had left. The only thing is, Levi doesn’t know how long that sanity’s going to stay with him. In other words, he doesn’t know how long Mikasa is willing to stay.

**  
**

Levi knows she doesn't know about his love for her; but then again, Mikasa doesn’t know a lot of things: she doesn’t know how Petra’s body floated lifelessly in his bathtub; she doesn’t know the sound Annie made when she slumped down to the ground; and she certainly doesn’t know the screams Krista made when he did his deed. He thinks about them often. About how their lives would’ve been if they were alive. Probably miserable, Levi thinks. He’s done them a favor.

**  
**

It’s always so cold in the room when he thinks about them. He sees himself shaking; he sees the ripples in the water, but for some reason, he can’t feel it.

**  
**

He pushes the water again, and it wasn’t getting clearer. The water is still opaque, unclear, and unresolved, much like Levi. Sometimes, he feels their presence--Petra, Annie, and Krista. As if they are there with Levi every single day. Annie sometimes cooks with him in the kitchen, the smell of onions frying to a crisp rather satisfies her. Petra reads on the toilet as Levi sits in the tub, contemplating who he needs to take care of next. And Krista, she stays in the bedroom, looking at Levi with those blue doe eyes that attracted him to her in the first place. The only thing wrong with all of this is Levi isn’t affected. He feels no remorse for the lives he’s taken. It’s been a long time since he last felt anything.

**  
**

Maybe that’s why he loves Mikasa so much. Because she makes him feel when he thinks he can feel no more. For Levi, compassion is a stranger. But when it comes to Mikasa, compassion feels like home.

**  
**

***

**  
**

He feels as if God is bringing him back home. His heart is palpitating and his lungs feel like they're closing in on him. His head hurts. Levi doesn't know why this is all happening because he's still only in his bedroom. He hasn't left yet, but it feels like he has.

**  
**

It's like he's spiraling into his doom. All those innocent lives he's claimed are clawing at his soul in order to redeem the one they lost. He sees them--how sad they look, how angry they are inside. He notices how it's all catching up to him.

**  
**

It's like every vein is going to pop. He can feel his temporal pulse beating faster every second. It's like it's telling Levi, _hey, you're going to die soon_. Levi is too busy trying to breathe to realize how nice it is to have a warning before death. His victims never got that.

**  
**

He doesn’t know how to control himself. His hands are shaking and his leg won’t stop bouncing and his heart won’t stop racing. He’s sweating a little bit, which is unusual for Levi in this situation because the whole house is air conditioned. Maybe he’s having another panic attack. He feels like he can’t breathe and his chest is clenching and he’s losing control. He can’t think straight, he doesn’t know how to feel about anything, he can’t breathe. Even if he’s taking deep breaths, he still can’t get back in control. He feels like he’s dying. And this is what Levi feared most.

**  
**

This can’t be happening, Levi thinks, because he’s taken all his medications to control this damn disorder. Dr. Smith tells him, if he took his pills every day, then he’d be okay. No panic attacks. He will suffer no more. But even if he takes his pills every day, he is still out of control. He is still taking and not giving, he is still killing more souls in shallow bodies, he is still claiming lives for his own. What he accomplishes with this, he doesn’t know. But it’s so thrilling, he can’t stop.

**  
**

The medication is still not working. He still feels out of breath and dizzy. The world is hazy.

**  
**

So, in order to distract himself, he remembers of how he meets Mikasa and how he is so lucky he did.

**  
**

***

**  
**

Red maxi, sheer neckline. That’s what he decides to call her. He is still eying that tall blonde next to Erwin, but isn’t paying as much attention to her now that he’s found someone more beautiful. She is standing next to a man, who gives her a glass of champagne. Levi feels something he doesn’t feel before, but he doesn’t know what it’s called.

**  
**

He heads towards her, moving swiftly but stealthily. Levi grabs a glass of champagne from a tray one of those waiters carried, sips a little, and moves on. He still doesn’t know what to talk to her about, but since he’s always winged it, he knows he’ll come up with something.

**  
**

He decides to talk to Jean Kirschtein, a familiar face next to her. Back then, he worked with Jean in marketing. “Such a beautiful night, isn’t it?” Jean asks Levi, obviously eying the raven-haired woman standing beside them. Levi ignores his intentions. They’re stupid and dull. Jean has always been stupid and dull anyways. He can’t possibly be serious with trying to score with her. Stupid, dull Jean Kirschtein.

**  
**

“Yeah,” Levi answers, but he doesn’t say anymore. He sips quietly as he listens to the room. People’s soft chatters echo throughout, and it seems like the soft classical music carried it. It is a beautiful ballroom. Erwin Smith has done it again.

**  
**

Really, the only reason why Levi is there was because Erwin invited him. Erwin is both best friend and doctor to Levi, and both are considerably hard jobs. It is Erwin’s thirty-eighth birthday. He's not that old, but he's getting there. Levi spots Erwin drinking some red wine with a few other doctors across the room. Doctors usually recommend their patients to drink red wine to live longer. Levi supposes Erwin wants to live longer for the sake of drinking more red wine. Erwin has a taste for red wine; he owns more than twenty bottles. Most of his wines in his wine fridge are red wines. It seems that Erwin wants to live a really long life.

**  
**

Jean heads to get more drinks, and the man next to the raven-haired woman heads to get more too. She sips her champagne, watching everything silently. Levi takes this as a chance to speak.

**  
**

“You’d better be careful,” he says, lifts the champagne glass to his lips, and takes a sip out of it. “My ex-coworker was eying you just now. He’s not the greatest man to get in a relationship with.” She chuckles lowly, also sipping from her champagne glass.

**  
**

“I’m used to it.” That sentence breaks Levi, just a little. He doesn’t know why. “I know how to protect myself, so it’s alright. Men don’t expect the pretty ones to know how to defend themselves.”

**  
**

Levi nods, breaking the flow of champagne to his lips. He puts his glass down. “Extraordinary,” he says, and that’s all he says, before asking, “What’s your name?”

**  
**

“Mikasa Ackerman. You were glaring at my brother a few minutes ago.”

**  
**

Levi’s eyes widen as he directs all his attention to her. She is still staring at someone else. “I was?”

**  
**

“Yeah,” she says quietly, bringing the glass to her lips again. “What’s your name?”

**  
**

“Levi. I think that’s all you need to know.”

**  
**

She smiles and brings her cup down. “I kind of figured you’d be the more shut-in, reserved type. That’s all right.” Levi nods and looks at the drinks table. He sees Jean and Mikasa’s brother conversing over their drinks. “His name is Eren,” she says. Levi figures out Mikasa has a very keen eye. He also figures out that stupid Eren Jaeger is the brother of someone in a whole different league. “He’s really stupid sometimes, but he’s smart enough to be one of Dr. Smith’s colleagues. Don’t know how that happened, though.” Levi laughs and brings the glass to his lips once again.

**  
**

“He’s in Erwin’s department?” he asks Mikasa. She just seems so friendly, so open. So unlike himself and his other victims. Maybe that’s why Levi picked her. The easy ones are always the ones that seem easy to take home; the too friendly ones that are lightweight and easy to dispose of. Such dangerous thinking, Levi knows, but he’s a dangerous man.

**  
**

Mikasa nods, and Levi finally sees who she’s looking at. She’s looking at Eren, who is moving quickly to talk to Erwin. Levi knows it is, undoubtedly, an attempt to get away from Jean. His chattiness has always been annoying. Levi knows this because he’s been subjected to it since day one.

**  
**

He takes another sip of his champagne and she does the same. It seems like the norm in a place like this. It’s wrong if you don’t take a sip of an expensive drink; it’s even considered highly disrespectful if you don’t. Levi imagines that a place like this is expensive to rent out. You’d have to have a high salary to be able to get a place like this; for Erwin, the salary that’s renting out The Platinum Room is the one that’s directing the Psychiatric Unit of the hospital. Erwin is accomplished, unlike Levi, and again unlike Levi, he saves lives instead of ending them. Levi knows for sure that both of them are going to separate places when they die.

**  
**

“What do you do for a living?” Mikasa asks, ending the wave of silence Levi is enjoyed hearing. He sees Eren enter the conversation with Erwin, who seems to be in the middle of the circle of doctors that gathered around him. Levi knows that they’re probably talking about medical stuff, boring stuff that Levi knows nothing of. They greet their colleague. Erwin pats Eren’s back and laughs about something with him.

**  
**

“I’m the CEO of Grey Tech,” he says. She nods, sips her champagne, and continues to stare at Eren. It’s kind of weird to Levi, but he can’t say anything about it considering he’s done greater things that surpass “weird.” He sees the doctorate degree group disband. Eren and Erwin are both talking and walking towards his direction. They’re probably going to talk to Mikasa, he thinks. He is proved correct when Eren takes his usual spot next to Mikasa and Erwin stands next to him.

**  
**

“I see you’ve met Levi, Miss Ackerman,” he says. Levi can feel the low vibrations coming from his voice. “Did you know that he’s the biggest contributor to our division? We owe most of our gratitude to him.” Of course, he fails to mention that Levi is also the patient with the most hours in the hospital, the one that manages to turn a room into total hell for the nurses that work there, the one who was most medicated. Even now, Levi is medicated; he takes two pills every four hours for the rest of his life to control his panic attacks. In addition to those pills, he has to take another pill once a day to control the mood swings his bipolar disorder causes. And in addition to that, he has many therapists to control him and sedatives to help them calm him. Of course, Erwin forgets to mention the minor detail that Levi is almost insane, but all is forgiven, because Erwin doesn’t even know half of the insanity.

**  
**

Levi gives them money so they can bear with him. He needs to pay them back for the equipment he bought then broke. There must be at least ten nurses traumatized in that unit because they had him as a patient. He’s had about three relapses; it's been three times he’s gone insane and has needed drugs injected into him to sedate him. He doesn’t remember what happened during those trips to the hospital, how many people he’s hurt, how many things he’s broken. Lately, Levi has been hurting and breaking, the only difference from before to now is that he remembers. He still doesn’t know why he does it, why he kills so frequently. Maybe, sick and twisted as it may be, he likes it.

**  
**

It’s weird, because the feeling of cold, dead hands warms his. He’s always been obsessed with hands. He likes the way they can express emotions. When Mama's hands held his tightly as she shook out tremors of violent sobs, her hands express love. When Papa's hands ball and make fists, his hands express anger. But when Levi’s hands grip his victims’ hands, he doesn’t know how his hands feel. Emotionless, maybe, but that shouldn’t be the case. He feels something, as stupid as that sounds, but he does.

**  
**

Levi, for sure, feels sick of himself. It is the only thing he is sure of at the moment. He doesn’t know if he could count himself human anymore. If you’ve killed too many of your own, what can you call yourself? Human has become an ineffective adjective. A human can feel love, and Levi can feel love no more, so he knows that he’s definitely inhumane.

**  
**

But when Erwin touches Mikasa’s shoulder, or when Jean glances at her from afar, Levi feels anger inside. Maybe he is still human if he could feel anger, because anger is the substitute of love. But he’s sure that this emotion isn’t even anger. It feels as if it’s something more. It’s just Levi doesn’t know the word to describe it.

**  
**

“Levi donated over a million dollars this past year,” Eren adds to Erwin’s information. “It was so much money, the board forced us to give some money to the rest of the hospital.” Mikasa’s head nods in what seems to be admiration.

**  
**

“I thought I told you guys that all of that money was to be used for the Psych Unit,” Levi says in a low growl. Eren starts to look scared, but Erwin keeps a straight face. Erwin is never scared of Levi, and he made that known back when Levi was admitted in his first time.

**  
**

“It was simply too much that we couldn’t accept all of the money,” Erwin says. His voice is steady. “I hope you understand. You’ve always been a reasonable man.” There Erwin is again, covering for Levi. It’s been like that since Erwin's met him. When Levi drank too much and punched a guy's nose, Erwin paid that guy a hundred dollars. When Levi was lost in the city at midnight, Erwin got up from his warm, comfortable bed and found him. Erwin's always had Levi's back. Levi can't quite say that he's been the same.

**  
**

“Yes, I understand,” Levi answers. Mikasa stares at him for some reason. Usually, he doesn’t like the attention, and when he does get recognized, he shies away. Mikasa’s attention, however, is accepted. He’d rather have her attention undivided. Selfish, he knows, but he can’t really help it. Though he doesn’t he know why he’s so needy now.

**  
**

“So, Rolanxiphor,” Eren mentions. Levi winces. He’s been on Rolanxiphor for weeks, and so far it’s been working, but not without side effects. Rolanxiphor is for Levi’s panic attacks, so they don’t happen at an inconvenient time again. “How’s that working for you?”

**  
**

“Eren,” Erwin says in a warning tone. “Don’t. Remember HIPAA.”

**  
**

“What?” Eren asks Erwin in a sarcastic tone. If this keeps up, Levi’s going to have to kill Eren next. He’s thinking of ways to “accidentally” kill Eren. Maybe a staged drowning, or maybe he can slip a few drugs into Eren’s coffee. Both are great ways to kill a man. “It’s just Mikasa who’s here, and she’s not going to tell anyone.”

**  
**

“Don’t be such an insolent brat, Jaeger,” Levi growls. “Patient’s privacy. It’s in the lawbook. Don’t make me sue you.”

**  
**

“Well, if you sue me, you won’t have a doctor to take care of you when you freak out again,” Eren shoots back. Levi’s eyes widen angrily. Such an brat, that Eren is. He’s annoying and should be eliminated.

**  
**

“I’ll have millions of other doctors to take care of me,” Levi tells him, “and their care will be much better than yours.”

**  
**

“Enough,” Erwin says. “Eren, don’t do anything stupid that will take away your license. Levi, control yourself. It’s my birthday. Drink more.”

**  
**

“That’s odd to hear from a doctor,” Mikasa muses. She doesn’t talk while Levi fights with her brother, but once the mood turns lighthearted, she starts to talk. That’s a good trait. Not getting into problems she wasn't in in the first place. Levi likes that.

**  
**

Erwin laughs, grabs a champagne glass from a server, and gives it to her. “Beautiful women deserve the best champagne. Drink more, Miss Ackerman. Doctor’s orders.”

**  
**

“Are you flirting with me, Dr. Smith?” she asks him. Eren gags, looking disgusted. Levi is a bit disgusted too. His best friend is flirting with the girl of his dreams. Gross.

**  
**

“I believe I am, Miss Ackerman.”

**  
**

“Gross, okay,” Eren interrupts. “Well, I guess that’s all for today. Let’s go now, Mikasa.”

**  
**

Mikasa laughs. Her laugh sounds like silk, like a thousand stars exploded in the universe and someone turned those stars into great champagne. Mikasa’s laugh tastes like champagne stars and feels like silk, and Levi thinks that is great. Mikasa is great. What a woman.

**  
**

“What a woman,” Erwin says, nodding his head at her, and Levi just rolls his eyes discreetly because that’s what he just said. Jesus Christ. “She’s wife material, you know that?”

**  
**

“And I assume that you’re husband material? Do you even know her?” Levi asks him rather grumpily. Erwin, for the first time in Levi’s life, looks taken aback.

**  
**

“What’s the matter with these harsh words?” Erwin asks him. “You don’t know her either, Levi. You can’t say anything. And why are you so defensive? _Do you like her?_ ” The magic question that can make or break a man. _Do you like her?_ A man can either crumble or lie, and Levi’s not one to crumble.

**  
**

“Erwin, a girl? Do you think I like a girl, really?” Levi laughs and laughs and laughs. It seems like he laughs for a million years until he’s stopped. Erwin looks annoyed.

**  
**

“I can back off if you want, Levi,” Erwin says, “or, I can go for the kill.”

**  
**

Oh, how ironic those words were. _Go for the kill_ , Erwin knows none of it. Levi already does go for the kill, literally. He’s got memories to prove it. Just ask Petra’s or Annie’s or Krista’s families.

**  
**

“No, I’m not interested,” Levi tells him. Throw him off his guard. That’s what Levi does best.

**  
**

“Oh, so you’re just jealous.”

**  
**

That is the word Levi is missing. He is jealous--of the way Mikasa blushes when Erwin flirts with her, of the way Jean looks at her, of the way she is so close to Eren. Levi being jealous, that’s breaking news. And out of all the emotions he can feel, he chooses to be jealous.

**  
**

This must mean Mikasa is very special, and for the first time, Levi isn’t hiding. “Yeah,” he says, “I’m jealous.”

**  
**

Instead of getting angry, Erwin's facial feature soften. He nods, smiles, and says, “She’s all yours. Call me if you need anything.” And, in a flash, he is gone, leaving Levi alone again. But when Levi sees Jean heading towards him, he rushes to leave too.

**  
**

***

**  
**

Mikasa invites him to her house the next day. It’s very grand, she owns a penthouse suite on top of the hotel that had the ballroom Erwin rented out yesterday. Mikasa lives alone, Levi finds out, but Eren lives next door and Erwin lives across the hall. It’s a quaint little place, something you don’t expect from a respected editor (at least, that’s what he thinks she is. He’s heard it from somewhere.) You’d expect diamonds and other crystals of all sorts, statues of random men, and gold bars everywhere; but instead, it’s comfy, a nice place to call home. She has books on the side tables--memoirs of a psychiatrist and female billionaires. Levi’s the same, except his books include biographies of former serial killers and male billionaires.

**  
**

“You have a nice place,” he mumbles out, and she nods. “It’s charming, great for parties probably. Have you had any parties?”

**  
**

“Yeah,” she says quietly. She takes off her coat, revealing a nice blouse and skirt ensemble she was wearing all day. It’s cold in here, Levi realizes after he takes off his coat. Mikasa rubs her elbows for some odd reason. It’s unbelievable that she keeps the temperature so low. “For Eren, but none for me. It’s useless, and I don’t have anything to celebrate.”

**  
**

Levi smirks when he sits down on her couch. It’s soft; he runs his hand on the nice leather. It gives him ideas for his own house. _Does blood get off leather easily?_ “That brat Eren?”

**  
**

“Hey, watch it,” she hisses as she grabs red wine from the top shelf. “He may be a jerk, but he’s still my brother. Be nice.” Mikasa gets the wine down, unscrews the cap, and pours it into the two wine glasses she placed on the counter. “Fancy a cup of wine?”

**  
**

“Fancy?” Levi muses, and she laughs.

**  
**

“Such a nice word, isn’t it? When I was in London, my aunt asked me, ‘Fancy a cup of tea?’ And I told her, ‘I do fancy.’ She laughed so hard and told me, ‘You should say fancy more. You say it very well.’ And I guess it just stuck.” Mikasa is so interesting, Levi thinks. Interesting and beautiful and perfect for someone like him. She is wife-material. How she will act when he tells her about his past girlfriends, he doesn’t know. Hopefully, she’ll be understanding.

**  
**

They drink wine until the clock strikes twelve, and Levi likes talking to her so much, he leaves his favorite watch just so he can see her again.

**  
**

***

**  
**

Levi isn’t done breathing. Not yet, he needs to live. He needs to outlive at least five of his victims, and he hasn’t even figured out who his fourth victim will be. Mikasa can’t be killed off; it’s been decided that she must stay as long he lives. With Mikasa alive, he won’t lose his mind. If she cares for him, maybe he’ll stop panicking. He’ll start breathing. He’ll be normal again. Maybe with her, he can stop killing for closure. But that time hasn’t come, so he doesn’t have to stop; closure doesn’t come easy, and everyone has to find a way to cope.

**  
**

He’s only in boxers, but it’s still hot. He can’t crawl out of his skin yet (he thinks that’s a power you can get in hell.) His fingers keep raking his hair, over and over and over again; his feet keep pacing, they keep moving, and they never stop; the floor looks the same as the walls, the walls look the same as the floor, everything looks the same, like a padded cell. It feels like the walls are closing in on him.

**  
**

He might as well die now.

**  
**

It isn’t until the sound of a doorbell ringing when the walls back up and the walls turned to walls and the floor turned to floors. Everything just became normal. Levi doesn’t know why.

**  
**

He puts on a robe, heads towards the door, and peeks through the peephole. It’s Mikasa, with a black coat and her favorite red scarf. It's a hopeful sight seeing her, and it's great that she comes right when he was about to lose his mind. He opens the door. She smiles, that damn smile that can make Levi's heart flutter away and head silent.

**  
**

"You left your watch," she says. She pulls out his gold watch, his favorite, from her pocket and holds it out for him to take. He nods his head, smiles at her, and takes his watch from her hand. Her hand feels soft, warm, everything Levi imagined it would be. He wants to hold it, make it his, forever. He wants Mikasa to be with him forever, stuck to him like two puzzle pieces krazy-glued together.

**  
**

But serial killers don't love. They only kill and tear and destroy. If Levi falls in love, he'll definitely lose his streak. He'll get caught, get sentenced to death, and finally meet Satan in hell. Levi doesn't want that, but he's definitely getting sloppy. It’s a lonely life; this whole business--God’s business--is a hard job. Sometimes Levi just wants someone to love him--someone to care for him as much as the next guy (who certainly isn’t someone like him, but Levi likes to imagine.) If Levi’s life is interpreted into a resume, no one would hire him. Levi would change his whole life if he could, if it can make his life with Mikasa more possible.

**  
**

It’s just, something about killing makes him feel more alive. It makes him feel less useless, that his dad was wrong about everything. Flashbacks of his dad always come back at night. Levi can still feel his dad’s spit on his face and the bruises on his neck and his mom’s tears on his face. He still remembers the feeling of pain and agony when his mom tried to tend to his wounds before tending to her own. He still remembers the night she died because of that cold-blooded asshole.

**  
**

He never wanted to be like his dad, but somehow, he became him, except crueler.

**  
**

Hands, it always comes back to hands. He still feels his mom in their hands. Petra, Annie, Krista--he still feels her in them. It makes no sense why he would kill them if they make him remember. Maybe he wanted to see what his dad wanted to accomplish when he killed Levi’s mom. Maybe he wanted to know how his old man felt when he beat her up to cold, dead meat. Like father like son, anyways.

**  
**

His mother didn’t change his father, but maybe he can find someone to change him back. Back to a normal guy. Back to a human being who had common sense and ethics. He needs someone who can change a psychotic serial killer.

**  
**

And here is Mikasa, so warm-blooded and caring and loving. Everything Levi needed. Something Levi never had. Another reincarnation of his mother, but one he doesn’t want to kill. He loves Mikasa; he desperately needs Mikasa. He needs someone to take care of him, because the past few years, his mom wasn’t there to help him and he’s gone astray. He’s nearly lost his mind.

**  
**

But when Mikasa smiles, he feels okay. It’s like he can live longer; he can live normally; he can be alright. Everything’s going to be alright, just as long as Mikasa stays.

**  
**

The lights seem brighter now that Mikasa’s in the hallway. It’s like she brightens up every room. “Thanks,” he says. He looks at his watch. 8:37, it says. It’s the evening. He’s been pacing around for four hours already. “Would you like to come in?”

**  
**

“Sure,” she says. She’s blushing, he sees, and that makes his heart go _thump, thump, thump_. In a good way, not in a bad way. She makes him a little less insane and more humane. “Would you like for me to make you tea?”

**  
**

“I think I should be the one making you tea, Mikasa,” he laughs. She looks down, smiles (she smiles a lot and he loves that), and blushes. By this time, he can hear his heart pounding. “What kind of tea do you like? I probably own hundreds of tea flavors, just pick one.”

**  
**

He opens his tea cabinet, and she looks overwhelmed. There are tea boxes perched over tea boxes; it even looks like the cabinet is almost filled to its max. After ten minutes of looking through the boxes, Mikasa finally picks green tea. Simple, Levi thinks, but he likes simplicity. He boils a kettle of water as she sits at the table, picking at the cake he set out for her. “Is anything wrong?” he asks.

**  
**

She shakes her head. “No, nothing’s wrong. I just want to eat my cake while I drink my tea, you know? It’s always best that way.” Levi nods, he understands because he’s the same way. He likes the way he can relate to her. He couldn’t with the other girls.

**  
**

The water boils; he pours it into her cup; she drinks, cup in one hand and fork in the other. Her face tells him everything. She looks like she loves the cake and tea combination, and that makes Levi grateful.

**  
**

“Can I be honest with you?” she asks. He nods, sipping his tea as she speaks. “I think I really like you, Levi.” She laughs and stares down at her food just so she can avoid his gaze. His heart is beating faster now, probably more than one hundred beats per minute. He just feels so thrilled, so excited that she feels the same way. He feels so excited that she’ll be willing to love someone like him.

**  
**

“I like you too,” he says, touching her hand. She looks up and looks into his eyes. They’re beautiful, Levi thinks, something that’s irreplaceable. That’s why he can’t kill her. No one can replicate her.

**  
**

Suddenly, his grip is tighter and his nails are embedding themselves into her wrist. She looks scared of him, very scared, and that’s what he is afraid of. “Levi, what are you doing?” she asks, her eyes starting to water. “Levi, it hurts, stop that.” She trembles, hand shaking as she grips his forearm. She's crying, he sees, and he knows that he's a damn monster. "Let me go," she says, swallowing needed air. "I can't breathe, please let me go." It's been a while since he's felt something, since his humanity was stripped from him. She feels like home, so much emotions flood his heart for her, but he knows she feels nothing for him. He's not the good guy, he never is. But he realizes, that this is what makes bad guys so _bad_.

**  
**

His eyes are starting to tear up too. “I have to tell you something,” he says. His voice is getting weaker and he can’t function right. None of his gears are working, it seems. “Mikasa, I’m-" He’s shaking. He’s afraid of her. He doesn’t even know why he’s going to tell her. It’s going to scare her off. But she needs to know. “I’m crazy. Unstable. I don’t know what I’m doing.” He knows she’s going say something about how she knows about his panic attacks and his bipolar disorder and his pills, but she doesn’t seem to be able to say anything. She’s stuck, like she can’t move from her spot--considering that his hand is gripping her wrist way too tightly. He takes a deep sigh, gulps, and moves on. “I-” He can’t seem to say it. It’s like he’s finally in internal turmoil. He should’ve been disturbed by himself years ago, anyways. “I kill, Mikasa. I kill people and I find great pleasure in it and...I’m crazy. But please stay with me, I’m sure you can change me. Everyone deserves a second chance, right?” He’s crying, he doesn’t know why, but he is. Maybe he is crazier than he expected. He should cry for Petra, Annie, and Krista, but he doesn’t.

**  
**

She takes a deep sigh. This is all hard to take in, he’s sure, but she’s always been reasonable. She’s always been forgiving. So, when she pulls his arm off and finds marks from his nails, she doesn’t do anything but stand from her chair. He looks at her, scared of what she is going to do.

**  
**

“What are you going to do?” he asks. He takes in a ragged breath and adds, “Are you going to call the police?”

**  
**

“No,” she says. For awhile, he feels relieved. But all of that falls apart when she tells him, “Because I am the police.” She takes off her coat, unhooks handcuffs from her belt, and cuffs him.

**  
**

His eyes widen as she pushes him towards the door. “What?” he asks. He’s confused about everything. Everything is happening too fast. “Wait, what? Who are you?”

**  
**

“Detective Mikasa Ackerman.” She opens the door, breathes in and out, and says, “Levi, you’re under arrest. I’m sorry.” He can feel regret in her voice, but he doesn’t know what she’s regretting.

**  
**

***

**  
**

In the next hour, he finds himself at the police station in a dark room with only one lamp as the only light source. Mikasa is leaning against the wall, and an older man, who Levi recognizes as Chief Pixis, sits right across from him.

**  
**

“So,” Chief Pixis says slowly, “being CEO of Grey Tech wasn’t enough. Levi, did you kill Annie Leonhart?” The only place he’s heard Chief Pixis was on TV, but even there he doesn't sound intimidating. He’s scarier in person.

**  
**

He wants to be mute because he doesn't want to say it. He doesn't want to admit to his crimes, even if he knew he eventually had to. It's a weird logic. This whole thing is totally off, but that's understandable, because Levi's been totally off to begin with. “Yes,” he says. He’s looking down, as if he is ashamed, but he wasn’t like that earlier.

**  
**

“Who else did you kill?” Chief Pixis looks at him. “Be truthful. There's no point in lying to police. We'll just find you and kill you all over again."

**  
**

Levi takes another deep sigh. It's not like he's going to run out. "Petra Ral." He pauses. "And Krista Lenz."

**  
**

Chief Pixis nods, gets up from his seat, and walks around. Regular Police Chief actions, Levi guesses, because that's what he sees on TV. "I'm seeing a pattern here," he says. "All the rich girls are dying and we didn't know why they were and who was doing it. Now we know who, we need to know why."

**  
**

"Because," Levi grits his teeth. "They use all of the money that could've been given to children in abusive homes. For support." He's angry now, angrier than he's ever been before, but that's expected. All of this is expected.

**  
**

"We've seen you give tons of money for that cause," Chief Pixis says. Still nodding and still walking around. "Were you an abused child?"

**  
**

"Pixis, I think that's enough," Mikasa says.

**  
**

Levi closes his eyes, takes in a deep breath, and says, "Mikasa, it's fine." He looks at Chief Pixis and tells him, "Yes. I was in an abusive home."

**  
**

"Mother or father?"

**  
**

"Pixis," Mikasa says again, only this time, it is in a warning tone. Mikasa knows Levi's psychological extent and knows when too far is being reached. She's been watching him. Of course she knows.

**  
**

"Father," Levi answers. Pixis nods.

**  
**

"I'll leave him to you, Detective Ackerman." And he leaves, just like that. The room is silent again, and it's the silence Levi's accustomed to. It's quiet until Mikasa speaks up.

**  
**

"Why Annie?" she asks him. He doesn't look up. He doesn't flinch. He doesn't do anything.

**  
**

"Why does it matter?" he shoots back. She looks like she's been stricken in the heart, and it looks like it hurts to much. She must've loved Annie a lot, though Levi knows not one reason why she would.

**  
**

"She's my best friend, asshole," she says angrily, but she tones down when she adds, "or, at least she used to be."

**  
**

She's starting to cry again, and Levi wants to hug her, but he's chained up. Handcuffed to a chair. And since he's bitter about that, he needs more answers.

**  
**

But he doesn't want to talk about Annie. He doesn't want to talk about how he cold-bloodedly, single-handedly murdered Mikasa's best friend because it's _shameful_. This doesn't exactly up his chances, but his chances aren't high to begin with. "Who turned me in?"

**  
**

"Eren," she says, wiping her tears. She’s back to normal after that. "He reported that you were talking in your sleep, saying sorry to Petra, and Annie, and Krista, who were all, at that time, dead. Krista's death was recent, so he got suspicious." He nods.

**  
**

It's odd seeing Mikasa as a detective. When he sees her on TV, he always just stares at her and nothing else. He doesn't look at the words "Detective Mikasa Ackerman.” He forgets to put the news on DVR (he prefers to watch it live), and when her squad was announced on live television, he was too distracted by her to notice they hunt down people like him.

**  
**

She shoots him with questions after a few minutes of silence. "Did you go to the hospital every time you killed someone?"

**  
**

That does make sense. Three hospital visits for his three murders. Even he didn't realize that until now. "I guess," he says. "I kept losing my mind."

**  
**

She laughs bitterly, shakes her head, and says, "But Levi, you can't lose something already lost."

**  
**

He supposes so.

**  
**

***

**  
**

Judge Zacklay already has his gavel in one hand and he's already telling the courtroom to quiet down. Levi can feel the stares of Petra's family and Annie's family and Krista's family burning into his back. But he deserves it, so he doesn't mind.

**  
**

The jury is finally telling them his sentence. After only a day of deliberation, they've made up their minds, but Levi supposes that it's only right. The only words he could make out were "jury...finds...Levi...guilty." Those are the only words that matter anyways.

**  
**

He can see Erwin, eyes and face paling at the sight of him. Eren, face straight and eyes avoiding his for good reason, is sitting beside Erwin. And Mikasa; black hair, red scarf Mikasa. Detective Mikasa Ackerman, strong and mighty Detective Mikasa Ackerman, is crying beside Eren. After all this time, he still doesn’t know why she’s crying. She’s done her job well. He heard from one of the guards pushing him to the courtroom that Mikasa was going to get a promotion from Pixis. That is expected, yes; but, her crying makes no sense.

**  
**

“We sentence...Levi...death penalty.”

**  
**

He can hear the silent cheers of his victims’ families.

**  
**

***

**  
**

Mikasa visits him on the final day, and he's very glad she does. She talks to him, like he is normal, but it's his last day to turn normal, so that's okay.

**  
**

"I'm sorry it ends up like this," she says. "I guess you just screwed up somewhere."

**  
**

He laughs. He misses the feel of her hand, even if the last time he held them was when his nails were digging into her skin. That must’ve hurt. He’s sorry. He’ll pay for it soon. “I screwed up with Petra,” he says. He doesn’t know why she keeps visiting him. She visited him yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. He doesn’t know why she keeps making an effort to keep him company. He doesn’t need it; all that’s going to do for her is make her attached. The last time Levi got attached to a person, she died before his eyes. He can’t really say he got attached to Petra or Annie or even Krista. He was too attached to his mom to be attached to them. The second his dad beat her for the final time, his attachment to his mom got stronger. That whole thing with his mom dying at the hands of his father kind of messed up attachments for him, and attachments has become overused in Levi’s dictionary. That’s why he doesn’t use it anymore.

**  
**

"So it seems," she says. She doesn't smile, but she doesn't frown either. Levi realizes that this is all he wanted--to be treated normal. This is normal enough for him. "You look good in orange. I really think it's your color."

**  
**

"I should've bought more suits in orange then," he tells her. She nods. The guard tells her she only has five minutes until they usher him to his death. (They tell her that she only has five minutes until she has to leave, but ushering him to his death seems more practical.)

**  
**

She sighs, presses the phone close to her ear, and says, "Maybe things will work out better in another universe." He can see her veins. They’re pretty; a nice blue that likes to pop up. Maybe she’s stressed too. All of Levi’s stress is beginning to disappear. He’s very sorry for Mikasa, who has a lifetime of stress ahead of her. Levi’s lifetime is being cut short, so he doesn’t have to worry.

**  
**

"Did you really like me?" he asks. She rubs her head and looks as if she is disappointed in herself. Then Mikasa looks amused, laughing slightly at the question, but he isn't sure that he means it as a joke. Despite that, she laughs and laughs and laughs. She must be going crazy too.

**  
**

When she stops, she takes a deep breath and tries to explain. "They call it _hybristophilia_ ," she tells him. "It's weird, but it's true and it's real, because I feel something when I'm with you. If you dropped the serial killer thing, you probably would've been a good guy. But I have to do my job, and I think I would've died if I stayed with you." He thinks so too, he goes crazy after awhile. "It's weird. I'm going crazy. But I'm going to forget you after this."

**  
**

Levi nods. "I'm going to forget you forever." He wishes he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to forget, but it seems like there’s no choice.

**  
**

She laughs. "So it seems." She smiles at him for a few minutes before her face drops to a frown and she sighs. Mikasa looks sad. Her straight-face turns into a frown and it quivers. She puts her head in her hands and says, "I'm sorry, Levi."

**  
**

He doesn't tell he's sorry too because they whisk her away before he can say anything. They grab him, pull him to the electric chair room, and sit him down. As they strap him to the chair, he says sorry to all those faces he's seen in his life. He says sorry to his mom, for not being there to save her. He says sorry to Erwin, for not telling him the truth. He says sorry to Petra, Annie, and Krista, for using them to fuel his bloodlust. But most of all, he says sorry to Mikasa, for making her give her love to him. The technicians give him a look, one that says, _I'm sorry_. Levi gives them one that says, _it's okay._

**  
**

When the shocks wave over his body, he finally feels invincible; but when the shocks end, he finally feels at peace.

 

**Author's Note:**

> HIPAA means "Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act." It basically protects a patient's privacy. My mom always talks about it (since she's a nurse), so I know a lot about it. Search it up if you still don't understand.
> 
> Hybristophilia (also known as the Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome) is a paraphilia of the predatory type in which sexual arousal, facilitation, and attainment of orgasm are responsive to and contingent upon being with a partner known to have committed an outrage, cheating, lying, known infidelities or crime, such as rape, murder, or armed robbery (Wikipedia). In this case, Mikasa is just in love with Levi and is not sexually aroused by his serial killing. I thought I'd just clarify that.
> 
> edit 01/16/17: i did not know they were related when i wrote this. i'd like to clarify that i do not support incestuous relationships.


End file.
